Was this what you wanted all along?

Were you always intent on having the upper hand? On saying the words you  knew would break my heart more than anything else you could have said?

Or was it another moment lost in the thousands, millions, which you could never remember because one.by.one. you killed every bit of memory you could have,
with every drink,
every bottle,
every glass,
every can,
every shot,
oh God with every drop
of alcohol you let seethe through your innards?

Did you mean To bring me down?
To the point where I did what I would never do
Because I wanted to feel like I was enough
Because I wanted to be enough?

Inhale. smoke. breathe. exhale. smoke.
Inhale. sip. wash away the feeling.
Inhale. Touch. Feel. Shudder. Exhale.

It doesn’t hurt so badly when you can’t think about it.
But oh, it only kills when you can feel again.

Escape.

Oh, it feels so good. So good.

Until, just, empty.

Or was it always empty?
Was I always empty?

Was this my fault?
Was I not strong enough?

Inhale. Clench. Release. Solid wall. Pain. Exhale.

Was I not strong enough.

Inhale. Breathe. Shudder. Tear. Exhale.
Inhale. Breathe. Release. Seize. Exhale.
Agony. Hurt. Pain. Grief. Sadness. Regret.

Rest, my child.
Hurt no more.
You.Are.Loved.

Inhale. Breathe. Exhale.

I am loved.
Saved.
Held.
Cherished.
Thankful.
Grateful.

What happened to you, dear little one? 
Your eyes, so brightly searching the universe for something beautiful, never surrendering the hope that someday you would find it?
Your smile, infecting the room until everyone else around you was smiling the same smile? 
Your mind, so eager to imagine the beautiful things, that there was no room for the ugly to fill your mind and tear you away from the Most Beautiful?

What happened to you, dear little one? 
To the innocence which only you could possess? 
To the beauty which only you could show? 
To the love which only you could feel? 
To the brightness in your eyes only you could have?

What happened to you, dear little one? 
Your family, so beautiful? 
Your friends, so wonderful? 
Your life, as you had imagined it so many years ago?

Oh dear girl, 
you are beautiful still. 
You are lovely still. 
But most of all, dear one, you are loved.

You are loved by a God, so selfless, so loving, that he can forgive the heinous acts. He can forgive the darkest deeds. He knows the secret deep in your soul, tangled in vines and thorns, and loves you still. He can love you, more deeply, more selflessly, more beautifully than you could ever imagine.

Oh, dear girl. When will your heart see, when will your heart realize?

You shine brighter now, than you ever before, beautiful. 
“For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God.” 
You are more beautiful than ever before, dearest.

Oh, dear little one. 
He has forgiven. 
He loves. 
He wants you. 
Cast all your troubles on Him, dear one.

"Come to me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

He has called, dear one. 
Let Him wrap you up, and hold you as only your father could hold you. 
Let Him in.
Let Him love you.