Endings and Beginnings

Autumn is such  a beautiful time of the year. I find so many people who look upon fall as an ending, as a final blow before the long winter hits. But I see a time of renewal, a time of beauty and so much more.

Regina Spektor quotes in one of her songs, "leaves become most beautiful, when they're about to die." In the autumn, our [New England] world is shocked with color - reds, yellows, oranges everywhere. The warmth of the sun flows through the trees and we are surrounded by a golden glow, one unique to the September and October months.

No, no. It does not end here. The crisp fall mornings bring the feeling of a soon-to-be revival, a making-of-ways for the new life. The slight chill in the air refreshes, brings back to life the heat-deadened senses.

I love these days. I love sweaters and I love tea and I love the friendships that re-kindle in the fall. I love the feeling of peace and calm that can only come with a season un-marred by past occurrences. I love the constant reminder of God's grace and beauty, so vibrantly displayed.

How could I not??

I miss the way we used to talk about everything, everything you could possibly think about.
We used to laugh and smile and do such carefree things and we would simply just .... be.

Now we step around the broken glass, the broken pieces, the shattered bits of our hearts that we are both afraid to pick up.
Afraid that if we even try, we will break, shatter, scatter even more.

But I would pick them up if I could. I wish you could believe that.
But we all know my clumsy hands would just scatter them even farther.
Crush them even smaller.
Oh how I wish I could put us back together again.
Oh, how I wish I could put you back together again.

Florida was beautiful. 

wishing I could go back.

These pictures are from a month ago, but my goodness, what a beautiful time. To relax, to draw back from the chaos that this life has become, to once again realize that God does not leave us alone, even through the hardest times. It's a fact that is far easier to realize when you are so close, so vulnerable to His creation. 

In John 14:18, Christ quotes, "I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you." What a promise. What a truly beautiful thing to realize. 

Where are the words to say, when no simple words can suffice to soothe the burning sadness ravaging throughout a body, unrelenting, unwavering? 

I can’t take your pain away and I thought I made myself okay with that, but have I? How can I be okay with the knowledge that you are not? I know it is something I must accept but how am I supposed to truly acknowledge that fact? 

And I am left, my soul broken, my heart longing, my thoughts desiring to heal, to find you and to hold you where you stand now, so close but yet so far away. 

Don’t you know I would give anything to see you smile again? Not just your lips but your heart, your eyes, your mind, your entire being? it breaks my heart, to see the pain there every single day. 

I love you, don’t you know?

There are some days where my heart falls heavily, unable to be lifted, unable to be moved. It beats only out of habit and nothing more. Each beat becomes harder and harder, until finally the emotion lets go, the anger, the heartbreak, the sincere agony which has plagued me and those around me over the last year. 

And there are days, where my heart falls heavy, but my heart is carried. Carried by the One who can do all things, who can heal all hurt, who can bring peace where there is none. Each beat is no easier than that before it, but the burden is lightened, the effort becomes less. 

The Lord does not lead us through the desert for no reason. He does not leave us parched, dry, empty, without a purpose. Yes, the desert road is long, is hot, is painful, is scary, but we must trust that God’s purpose will shine through, and that His strength will carry us when nothing else can. 

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart." Jer 29:11-13 

I think, as Christians, we find ourselves believing that we can sit and wait for the peace of the Lord to overflow us, and yet continue on the dark road we walk. Over, and over again, we see in the gospels, in the Old Testament, in the New Testament, of The Lord drawing near to those who drew near to Him. Drawing near to those who displayed a want of Faith and a want of relationship with Him. And I believe the Bible was written this way for a purpose. 

God knew each and every heart. Knows each and every heart. But He needs to know the door is open, that the heart is receptive, that the heart desires, that the heart longs. And especially on these desert roads, we need to draw ever closer to Him, to seek Him out, to find Him. To love Him. And He will draw near to us. 

And He will bring comfort.

"Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord. (1 Corinthians 15:51-58 KJV)"

Drives through the snow to clear my head.
Because sometimes, running away makes more sense.
And you loved the snow.
And I miss you.

I guess, 

This situation is just one I never, ever thought I would live through. 

Yes, all of our parents die some time. 

But they’re not supposed to die when we’re this young. 

They’re not supposed to leave. 

They’re not supposed to just not be here. 

And we are not supposed to be left here, hoping that we can somehow find the strength to carry on, to carry each other through, to comfort those around us with the comfort God gives us, to still love with the beautiful gift of love we have received.

But I guess, no, we are supposed to. Though this part of His plan is unbearable, this is all part of one bigger plan, one that will make sense. Maybe not here, maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even next year. Maybe years from now we will understand why such a beautiful life was taken from us, seemingly too early. 

But now, we pray. We pray and we live in the comfort of knowing that even though it does not make sense, the creator of the world is guiding every moment, every second, and that it will be okay. 

"It is a most reassuring and reinforcing experience to the child of God to discover that there is, even in the dark valley, a source of strength and courage to be found in God. It is when he can look back over life and see how the Shepherd’s hand has guided and sustained him in the darkest hours that renewed faith is engendered."

-W. Phillip Keller, A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23