Peace. 

Through all of the chaos and heartache and pain, peace. 

4:50 am, west wing, UMASS. The snow is gently falling outside, covering the world in a quiet blanket of snow. 

Peaceful, calm, quiet.

A gentle beep cuts the silence every 1.7 seconds, and the sound of the oxygen filtering through her nostrils provides the world with a little bit of white noise, 


You are beautiful, and so is she. I watch as you gently look in her eyes, calm assurance of safety, calm assurance that you are here, that it’s okay.

Your strength is beautiful, magnificent. there is no other word that could describe it, or you. 

I watch, as her hands gently stroke yours and her eyes close. A quiet and delicate but almost frantic attempt to memorize the lines, the curves, everything. To remember you. Because she does remember you, just not your name. 

A wave of peace fills the room, fills your eyes, fills her eyes. “It’s okay, just take a nap.” 

Oh, dear one . You are so beautiful, so wonderful, so lovely. And your courage inspires me beyond belief. Your courage, and your ability to face these trials fresh and new each day. Your beautiful peace with which you face each day, after each day has given you a reason not to. 

You have courage, dearest, as does she. 

And I watch as you draw on her courage, I watch as with each gentle stroke of her fingers she gives you more and more, not withholding anything, she knows, love, that even through her frailty you need her now more than you ever have before. 

Through the chaos, peace.

Was this what you wanted all along?

Were you always intent on having the upper hand? On saying the words you  knew would break my heart more than anything else you could have said?

Or was it another moment lost in the thousands, millions, which you could never remember because one.by.one. you killed every bit of memory you could have,
with every drink,
every bottle,
every glass,
every can,
every shot,
oh God with every drop
of alcohol you let seethe through your innards?

Did you mean To bring me down?
To the point where I did what I would never do
Because I wanted to feel like I was enough
Because I wanted to be enough?

Inhale. smoke. breathe. exhale. smoke.
Inhale. sip. wash away the feeling.
Inhale. Touch. Feel. Shudder. Exhale.

It doesn’t hurt so badly when you can’t think about it.
But oh, it only kills when you can feel again.

Escape.

Oh, it feels so good. So good.

Until, just, empty.

Or was it always empty?
Was I always empty?

Was this my fault?
Was I not strong enough?

Inhale. Clench. Release. Solid wall. Pain. Exhale.

Was I not strong enough.

Inhale. Breathe. Shudder. Tear. Exhale.
Inhale. Breathe. Release. Seize. Exhale.
Agony. Hurt. Pain. Grief. Sadness. Regret.

Rest, my child.
Hurt no more.
You.Are.Loved.

Inhale. Breathe. Exhale.

I am loved.
Saved.
Held.
Cherished.
Thankful.
Grateful.

What happened to you, dear little one? 
Your eyes, so brightly searching the universe for something beautiful, never surrendering the hope that someday you would find it?
Your smile, infecting the room until everyone else around you was smiling the same smile? 
Your mind, so eager to imagine the beautiful things, that there was no room for the ugly to fill your mind and tear you away from the Most Beautiful?

What happened to you, dear little one? 
To the innocence which only you could possess? 
To the beauty which only you could show? 
To the love which only you could feel? 
To the brightness in your eyes only you could have?

What happened to you, dear little one? 
Your family, so beautiful? 
Your friends, so wonderful? 
Your life, as you had imagined it so many years ago?

Oh dear girl, 
you are beautiful still. 
You are lovely still. 
But most of all, dear one, you are loved.

You are loved by a God, so selfless, so loving, that he can forgive the heinous acts. He can forgive the darkest deeds. He knows the secret deep in your soul, tangled in vines and thorns, and loves you still. He can love you, more deeply, more selflessly, more beautifully than you could ever imagine.

Oh, dear girl. When will your heart see, when will your heart realize?

You shine brighter now, than you ever before, beautiful. 
“For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God.” 
You are more beautiful than ever before, dearest.

Oh, dear little one. 
He has forgiven. 
He loves. 
He wants you. 
Cast all your troubles on Him, dear one.

"Come to me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

He has called, dear one. 
Let Him wrap you up, and hold you as only your father could hold you. 
Let Him in.
Let Him love you.

There's something so intrinsically beautiful about autumn in Massachusetts.

The world was covered in a beautifully peaceful blanket of mist and clouds tonight.
Simply, lovely.

[un]broken

When you spend your entire childhood, your entire teenage years, the most vulnerable years of your life, simply wanting for a feeling of worth and acceptance; 

When every night is another lonely and sad and cold night of curling your body into the fetal position, surrounding yourself with blankets and pillows to maybe just get an idea of what it’s like to feel safe, and to feel held onto;

When you wake up every day, slightly less hopeful than the day before, that maybe something will change and that maybe it will be okay; 

When you punch a solid wall just to feel something other than the heavy, hurting and dull ache that is constantly looming, sometimes pressing hard on your rib cage; 

When you begin to eat less, and less, and less, because maybe one day she’ll notice how sickly you look and maybe someday she will care about that; 

And when one person comes along and without even a second thought, wraps you in their arms and holds you close, and doesn’t let you go;
When they look into your eyes and see the pain and the hurt and the sadness and the hopelessness you feel;

When your nights begin to get less lonely and cold because you know this person is there;

When the dull ache seems to be easier to endure without needing the physical pain of broken and bleeding knuckles to make it stop even for a second;

When the need to eat less becomes less of a need, because you don’t need to hurt yourself to feel cared for;

Just the thought of this person is enough to make you want to hold on tightly for dear life, and never let go. To be overwhelmed with love for this person, because they first loved you. To not know what to do with the overflowing love in your heart, and to do everything you possibly can to keep this person as close to you as possible. 

Dear Friend, 
I’ve been there. I’ve felt the hurt and I’ve felt the ache and my knuckles have bled and my body is torn. But no matter who is in your life, if your life is filled with people who will not love you, no matter what you do, take comfort. There is still One who will always care. Who will wrap you in His arms and hold you close, who knows your pain more intricately than you yourself ever could. Who covers you gently at night with a warm blanket at night, who holds that ache and that weight off your heart, whose heart breaks at the thought that you feel the need to hurt yourself to feel loved. 

I just wanted to remind you that no matter who is in your life at this very second, and no matter what words are said between you and the person you love, and no matter what terrible thoughts are eating away at your mind, God is still there. Your Father still cares. Your Father wants you to cling to him as tightly as you possibly can. Your Father wants you to let Him love you. Your Father wants you to give yourself to him as fully as you can.

Let Him love you, and let Him show you what love truly is. And let Him lead you to the people you need in your life.

My peace place.

"I promised, God. I promised and have not yet followed through. If you want this of me still, please, show me."

And He opened the door. The words were preached, some piercing my skin so harshly I had to double over with the pure nausea which was created. Shaking. My legs were shaking. My hands held together tightly as to hide the fact that they were shaking, also. I was seemingly wrapping my whole self as tightly as I possibly could, so as to keep myself from melting into a thousand different pieces right then and there. 

Conviction, In its most pure sense.

I had to say the words which I needed to dig from the very depths, every hidden crevice of my broken and lost and shattered soul. I loved God. I gave my heart to Him. and yet still held onto the idea that I was strong enough to do this on my own. Convinced myself that I could fight it. Even though I fell 

Over

and 

Over

and 

Over

Again.

I disgust myself, Lord, how could I not disgust you?

"Just say it." The voice gently urged. "Just speak. I will listen. I will hear. I will love."

In a quick breath, the words left my mouth, and entered the still air, surrounded by an aura of panic and urgency. A need to inhale them as quickly as I had exhaled them. A feeling of pure disgust in myself, but yet, a feeling of sudden relief, the need to never hold onto the words again. To believe I truly was forgiven.

"I love you, still."

Four simple words, and I knew. Without a doubt. I am loved by a God whose love surpasses all. I am loved by a God who still wants me, in spite of everything. I am loved by a God whose love I could never understand.

Biting breeze
Crisp morning air
Frost
Flash of color
World transformed
Warm afternoon
Brisk evening
World, falling, into deep slumber
World, fading
finis.

It will get better now.

your words float
suspended between glass and wire

I suppose it's a funny way to "talk"
but then again, we never did talk anyways

the manufactured words
cutting more deeply than any knife

how did your thumbs know
the right words to say
to break my heart

when did i become nothing more than

nothing

to you

when did my pain become your pleasure

when did "i love you" 
turn into nothing more than 

nothing 

when did love become nothing

Words.

word [wurd] noun

1. a unit of language, consisting of one or more spoken sounds or their written representation, that functions as a principal carrier of meaning. Words are composed of one or more morphemes and are either the smallest units susceptible of independent use or consist of two or three such units combined under certain linking conditions, as with the loss of primary accent that distinguishes black•bird• from black• bird•


Words. Emotions and thoughts and feelings which our human brain transforms into an understandable means of communication.


It's no wonder why words are so hard for us, as humans, when we take the things in our lives which are the most difficult to communicate and try to make sense of it and make it able to be communicated.


Truly, this explanation is ironic. The idea that with these words I am attempting to communicate an idea formulated in my mind. That idea that words will never be a sufficient means of communication. Truly.


Our world is so full of things we don't and can't and won't understand and I guess maybe God put them there for a particular reason. Something we can ingest but something we can't digest. Something we can take in, but can't put out again. I think that it is those things which are the things that are truly beautiful in our lives.


Because we are the only person to see them that way. Because one person can look at a rose, and another person can look at the same rose and come up with two remotely different reactions to how they felt when they looked at that rose.


Two different reactions. Two different explanations.


Similarly, one person can successfully transfer thoughts and feelings and emotions into words and can have two completely opposite reactions to those words which they speak or write or type or .


Maybe God made it that way for a reason. Maybe for us to learn something or I guess I don't really know. Maybe He made it that way so we would find more of a reason to need to trust or love Him or . To realize just how much He cares for us. Which I guess doesn't make much sense either but without a full knowledge of how translation should happen we are forced to rely on someone who does know and I guess in this case that someone is God and that someone can show us what we need simply with the words that have been given to us from God himself. Those words that make up the most beautiful and intruiging and interesting and wonderful Book ever to be written. Maybe because the only words which have ever communicated effectively have come from the creator Himself for us which is mindblowing in itself, that we have a God that would care enough about us that He would give us a simple How-To book explaining the way to eternal happiness.


We are loved by such an amazing God and these words can prove nothing of that but His words can and that's truly all that matters.

To me,

The thought that I can dismiss God aside like he is nothing is the scariest thing. What kind of person do I have to be to shove aside my creator, my one source of hope on this temporary place I'm in?

Not to take away from God's divinity at all by comparing him to our humanistic nature, but truly, think about it. What happens when we get into a relationship with someone? We don't wait a week or month to remember to call them up and tell them we care about them. We don't leave our closest friends hanging while we run off and do whatever we want, then turn back to them and expect them to still care for us as much as they did before.

But we do it to God all the time, expecting him to be there for us, expecting him to help us, expecting him to love us. And why? We accept Christ into our hearts. HE SAVED US. he saved us.  I mean..... there would literally be nothing to live for without Him. it's impossible to even begin to comprehend how much our God has done for us. And what do we do? We blame all of our problems on him, we scream that it's His fault when things aren't going right, and we pat ourselves on the back when things finally seem to turn the right way.

what? I mean... what? How selfish can we be? He laid down HIS LIFE for us and more often than not we turn the other cheek.

I guess what I'm praying for this week is the strength to stand up and appreciate His love and to love Him back. Because He, more than anyone, deserves every ounce, every fiber of our beings.

I used to love the darkness.
And now 
It creeps through me
All of me 
Not leaving a single atom untouched 
Twisting every single last bit of me 
Into an unforeseen chaos
One I cannot escape 
And creeps away gently
A silent murderer of sorts 
Leaving behind fragments of who I once was
Leaving behind an empty shell 
I am no more.

Latest. Took about an hour all together. Wasn't a fan of the right eye so you only get the left half of the picture. But this happened out of boredom, not to bad, I guess. 

God.
Oh, my God. Your God. He's everyone's God and I think, when it truly comes down to it, that's the most beautiful thing.

The person you see walking around thinking no one cares. God cares.
The person you see snorting the first, second, third, fifth line of cocaine. God cares.
The person shouting in anger at his wife for reasons completely unjustified. God cares.
The victim brutally abused and raped. God cares.
The person whose heart is filled with hatred. God cares.
The person raising their hands in praise. Oh, God cares.
The person who had overcome the trials of this life to realize simply, that God cares.

And how, knowing this much, can we throw God aside like he is nothing, like He is not the very reason for our existence and He is not who we should love with our entire being. Physically and emotionally. Oh, God.

Every day, we go through or lives, our thoughts focused on earthly things. We forget the greatness of our God. We forget just how much He has done for us.

"How frustrating, and so degrading
His time, we're wasting.
And time will fly by and the sky will cry as light is fading,
And He is waiting, oh so patiently
While we repeat the same routine as we will please comfortably.."
-twenty one pilots, isle of flightless birds

God. Saved. You. He saved me. He saved us. And we go around like we own the world. Like we're entitled to be here.

Imagine. The hurt you feel when you do something nice for one person, and they blow you off like its nothing.

We are sinners.

Ungrateful, heartless, sad people.

And God cares.

Oh, God.

Most Recent

So we'll go to the one I did today. This was supposed to be Eddie Redmayne. Didn't quite turn out how I wanted, and I'm super disappointed with cheekbone length because had I put his ear about half inch closer the whole picture would make SO MUCH MORE SENSE but oh well, I haven't drawn in a longg time and I only worked on this for about an hour, so I was pretty happy overall with how it looked. 

Art #1

Told you, it would be soon. Also, artwork. I'm going old, but hey, ya know. This is one of my favorite pieces I've done so far. It's kind of a Gerard Butler spinoff. Pencil on sketchpad paper. couple hours. enjoy. :)

Welcome, and all that jazz.

Hello, everyone who probably isn't reading my blog today. (kidding, but really, if you are reading this, welcome. I love you.) 

I usually try to keep blogs I run fairly organized, well, at the beginning anyways. More often than not they turn into wonderfully unorganized and unoriginal internet pages to blend in with the rest of the world, or I simply forget about them. Lord knows where this one will go. 

My reason for starting a completely new blog is simple. No, really. It's easier to start over than it is to re-vamp any other ones I had. (see, told you.) 

The purpose of this blog is fairly simple, too. I spend a lot of my life on facebook, on twitter, on tumblr, pinterest, etcetera. This will be where I kind of amass that one-liner life into something that makes a little more sense. This will be where I throw my thoughts - not the ones less than 140 characters, but the ones I can't make sense of in 140 characters. This will be where I post my artwork - my escape, if you will. I guess this will just be a place where I can publicly show how I figure out my life... and maybe, just maybe someone will see my words and be inspired, or relate, and maybe figure it out with me. (Maybe some cute guy will fall in love with me.) 

Anyways, yeah, welcome. first actual posts to come soon. 

-Elyse