[un]broken

When you spend your entire childhood, your entire teenage years, the most vulnerable years of your life, simply wanting for a feeling of worth and acceptance; 

When every night is another lonely and sad and cold night of curling your body into the fetal position, surrounding yourself with blankets and pillows to maybe just get an idea of what it’s like to feel safe, and to feel held onto;

When you wake up every day, slightly less hopeful than the day before, that maybe something will change and that maybe it will be okay; 

When you punch a solid wall just to feel something other than the heavy, hurting and dull ache that is constantly looming, sometimes pressing hard on your rib cage; 

When you begin to eat less, and less, and less, because maybe one day she’ll notice how sickly you look and maybe someday she will care about that; 

And when one person comes along and without even a second thought, wraps you in their arms and holds you close, and doesn’t let you go;
When they look into your eyes and see the pain and the hurt and the sadness and the hopelessness you feel;

When your nights begin to get less lonely and cold because you know this person is there;

When the dull ache seems to be easier to endure without needing the physical pain of broken and bleeding knuckles to make it stop even for a second;

When the need to eat less becomes less of a need, because you don’t need to hurt yourself to feel cared for;

Just the thought of this person is enough to make you want to hold on tightly for dear life, and never let go. To be overwhelmed with love for this person, because they first loved you. To not know what to do with the overflowing love in your heart, and to do everything you possibly can to keep this person as close to you as possible. 

Dear Friend, 
I’ve been there. I’ve felt the hurt and I’ve felt the ache and my knuckles have bled and my body is torn. But no matter who is in your life, if your life is filled with people who will not love you, no matter what you do, take comfort. There is still One who will always care. Who will wrap you in His arms and hold you close, who knows your pain more intricately than you yourself ever could. Who covers you gently at night with a warm blanket at night, who holds that ache and that weight off your heart, whose heart breaks at the thought that you feel the need to hurt yourself to feel loved. 

I just wanted to remind you that no matter who is in your life at this very second, and no matter what words are said between you and the person you love, and no matter what terrible thoughts are eating away at your mind, God is still there. Your Father still cares. Your Father wants you to cling to him as tightly as you possibly can. Your Father wants you to let Him love you. Your Father wants you to give yourself to him as fully as you can.

Let Him love you, and let Him show you what love truly is. And let Him lead you to the people you need in your life.